I WANT TO FIX IT BUT I CAN'T

Whatever your tragedy is, your heart is broke and you want to fix whatever the situation is. This brings such heartache. If your tragedy is death, it's final. Only God can heal a broken heart. If your going through a divorce, even if it's not your choice, you can't fix it. The only thing that really worked for me was tons of praying, journaling, counseling and a good support group.

I also went through divorce 17 years ago and it wiped me out mentally, physically and spiritually. My ex-husband had left me and our four children out in the country in an unfinished home and I didn't have a job. He'd found someone new and went to another state to start a new life. I was needless to say "devastated". I was anorexic and weighed less than 100 pounds. I wanted to fix it. I begged God to fix it. I wanted God to make my kids father come back and help raise them. It didn't happen. I went to a counselor that had high success rates. I only went because my family kept telling me I was an anorexic and would die if I didn't get help. I went to prove them wrong and get them off my back. They proved me wrong and I got much needed help. My son Gabriel that went to Heaven was only ten at the time and he walked in my room one day and stared at my skinny legs and arms and cried. Then he said, "mom, we already lost our dad. Please don't die".

That was my first wake up call. I actually looked in the mirror and saw someone very overweight. I had started starving when my closest cousin had committed suicide. We grew up together and said when we were older and got married that we would live across the street from each other. We actually did it. As she got older she started having symptoms of being bipolar. One day she couldn't take it anymore and killed herself. I couldn't eat. I'd gag and my throat would close. I started having nightmares and would wake up with scratches. It was the most terrible hell. Then I saw his face. He was hurting me and scaring me. The nightmares got worse. Each one was worse than the next and I started remembering. Oh my God "no", it couldn't be. But it was. It was the face of my favorite uncle. The therapist explained to me that when you go through something horrible in your adult life such as divorce or death of a family member (which I'd been through both) that it dominos back to the worst thing that ever happened to you as a child that you have shut out. It was horrific. I was a woman in my 30's and was petrified that this uncle would come back and finished what he had started. To top it off I remembered being molested at school by an older kid. It turned out that I could of been a poster child for anorexics. I had every symptom. As I healed I could eat. I joined a support group and still kept going to church and I even slept with my bible. Sounds freaky, but I was frightened.

As I went through the healing of divorce and molest I believe that God taught me things to help me. The bible says that God is our Heavenly father and he actually loves us more than our earthly fathers. When I was begging God to fix my marriage and make my ex-husband come home and take care of his kids, God showed me that He (God) is not a Hitler. He draws us by his spirit and shows us what's right to do, but still leaves us the choice. Then I just began to work on me. I went to church, kept journaling, went to a support group and joined the single parents group at church. I began to "live" again and was really happy with me. I was a single mom for five years and actually was happy. I wasn't in any hurry to find someone. I wanted my children to feel safe and happy and that was my main goal. I dated a few times but they weren't the right ones. When I least expected it, I met Brad. We dated and then we were engaged for a year and then we got married and joined my four kids and his two kids together for one big family. We have had our trials. Anytime kids are raised different you will have trials. You keep loving and praying and remembering that you are a family. All of you.

When we lost Gabriel and Josiah my heart was shredded. I thought I'd already paid my dues of grief in this life. That's why I wanted so bad to open this website for all of you. You can see that I do understand. I will pray for all of you. We can't fix it. But guess what? God can fix us. Remember "Earth is our school and Heaven is our home. We're only passing through". God bless all of you. "Keep on keepin' on", Kim